frozen days and legs stiff, i feel my pit grow darker and darker. that faint glimmer of light i thought i could see is now a figment of my imagination. oh figment! don’t run away from me, i will only eat you for dinner. speck of light in my mind’s eye. can you see my mind’s eye squinting.
i lie in my pit feeling the blood drain out of me slowly. no holes, no blood. just sheer lifeforce ebbing out of me…….
slowly, slowly, the darkness is a-coming for me. envelope me. i will embrace the music.
Filed under: dysphoria
i’ll fall and break over and over and over. just to disappoint.
and then i’ll be nothing but a worthless heap of dust.
dust.
dust.
dust.
i’m so homesick my heart just aches at every prod.
and you.
Filed under: dysphoria
is now ridden with holes.
sometimes you misunderstand me.
Filed under: complaints
i miss my maid. i miss hailey.
i hate perthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. urgh
Filed under: complaints
i am fucking worried because i think i grossly overpacked, despite my 40kg baggage allowance.
Filed under: muse
so God, do you really exist?
“The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this.”
Albert Einstein
and why do schools collapse in earthquakes. children are innocent. i guess you don’t(exist).
Filed under: muse
how does one pack an entire life into a suitcase?
like chugging around in a train in a state of half-consciousness; sober yet not quite. leaving on friday. so mixed-up all inside.
all i see are spinning ballerinas. spinning and spinning and spinning away in my mind’s eye, spinning round and round my head, making me dizzy and i crane my mind’s neck to look at where the spinning ballerinas are going.
then they stop and spin into your face. my ballerinas disappear into your face, your nostrils, your every pore………………..
spin away and away. do you not get it. my ballerinas are in you. don’t bleed my ballerinas out.
i beg you.
Filed under: dysphoria
a sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion.
these thoughts run through my head(over and over),
complaints of violins become my only friends.
Filed under: annoyed
i am NOT going to perth because of …..
i wish i was that rich(and romantic) to be that frivolous.
i think i’ll be flying very damned soon. everything feels so surreal now. who knew irony would play such a joke on me/us.
i don’t want to go no i don’t want i want to run run run my life away and be free. no more silly ideas in my head i know the school fees cost daddy a small bomb and the exchange rates will give us all a heart attack but it’s so painful to leave yes all my friends and my precious and very fat bundle of joy.
no more comforting smell hailey at the end of a long day. no more kissing her fat cheeks boyfriend you better gain weight in your cheeks and belly. i don’t want to spend winter there. i don’t want to shiver in the night with my poor replica of my tattered quilt to make me feel like home and the pillows that will make me a foreigner to myself. always was faithful but sometimes i stray.
been dreaming of being on an escalator then letting go and tumbling back down and then i wake up in a jolt. my left hand is outstretched i feel like harry potter and i do have a scar you know. who is my voldemort i wonder.
i haven’t even left and it hurts already. hailey’s making it all the more harder. no more waking up and having her run and play peek-a-boo with me. no more hugs. no more kisses…………………………………….
nothing’s set in stone, but it looks like i could be eating indomee in perth in june.
i thought to myself at the start of this year, that this could be my best year ever. i could be right, or wrong.
i feel like i’m forced to grow up in an abrupt pause in the workings of my plans.
no more screwing up.
sigh.
“He’s a real nowhere Man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.
Doesn’t have a point of view,
Knows not where he’s going to,
Isn’t he a bit like you and me?”
Nowhere Man, The Beatles.
i feel so lost. i think the possibility of me either going to the land down under and staying here is evenly split. ah yi said dad won’t consider KL because of the security issues………………….
how did i end up like this? if i went back in time, would i have done the same thing? i don’t think so. i don’t know what went wrong; i don’t know if following my flighty mind was a mistake in the first place.
everything annoys me these days. the sight of an SRJC student in uniform irks me to high heavens. i can’t stand the thought of going to australia. i can’t stand the thought of staying in singapore. i can’t decide on anything. i am quite irked by the fact that i will probably have to eat indomee every damned day there, and even more irked by the fact that i will not eat teochew-style steamed fish for a very long time.
i don’t want to go there, yet i don’t want to stay. i don’t know what to do. everything rests on my father. i hate resting on limbo.
good luck to me.
