it’s amazing how i listen to the same songs all over again. everyone brings something from the past into the present. and yes, glass to the arson, the undeveloped story, and so sick are all my favorite songs when the same shit happens all over and over again.
i’m just waiting for the bomb to drop.
go on. i’ll always be here till you walk away.
in a house i don’t belong to. trying to feel my fuckjing way out but it’s complete darkness, just like when you shut off the lights in an underground house in coober pedy.
feeling my way around and getting knocked here and there; it’s a rough floor and there are glass shards in my feet. i must get out of this house so i keep on walking around blindly, hoping to find a doorknob to twist open.
it’s been days with no light and water. desperation kicks in and kick the walls in frustration. no windows, no doors. no concept of night and day, no sound, not even a rat.
this emotional penitentiary sucks.
and my only ray of light is flying away, away, and away.
since feeling is first.
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world
my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don’t cry
- the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids’ flutter which says
we are for each other; then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life’s not a paragraph
And death i think is no parenthesis
e e cummings
limbs cold. the ache spreads like a metastasizing cancer throughout the body. this ache, this ache. this ache makes the knees weak and spine curve. sometimes it stops and it feels so good, but it comes back, and each time it does, harder and stronger. i close my eyes and grit my teeth. i can only groan. groaning seems to be the only alternative to painkillers.
my periods seem to get progressively worse and heavier. i can’t wait to have my four children and then go for a hysterectomy.
urgh.
on another note, i don’t know why i’ve become so emotionally needy. i used to think cuddles and hugs were stupid. perhaps distance really makes the heart fonder.
and now, to wait for the monthly demon to leave.
