Filed under: Uncategorized
sit this out i will. looking at every damned thing with heart-shaped glasses. fly away, mind. i know you will.
soon, if not eventually.
Filed under: disjointed
my life is a mess a bloody mess i hate perth so much. it feels so bloody good to not remember a bloody thing at all. turn the lights off in my head my mind just keeps on thinking and rolling like a fucking ball downhill rollig and rolling i cannot sleep with the lights on in my head fuck fuck fuck. save me from the voice in my head it keep me away from my conscience guiding me away from the light. i’m not sure if the light exists but what the hell; nobody really gives a shit and i don’t either. loud and clear say my name and cup my face in your hands and tell me to wake up and no i won’t wake up i will only keep falling into this ditch sinking sinking sinking and i don’t know when will all these end. i am a mess.
drive me back into mindless unreality mindless talk mindless actions mindless poker mindless drinking. i want to walk down the road again feeling like a bona fide hiatus on a cool wintry day with the sun setting on the sunset coast in brilliant hues of increasingly darkening shades of orange blue crimson and what looks like the edge of the earth. this existence is miserable and dolorous and i can no longer take this bullshit. once you’ve been away and feeling like you left every damned thing behind you never want to come back ever again and when you do, it feels like utter bullshit; this sham of a life called the reality of being nothing and being someone’s nothing and being shamefully faceless voiceless nameless colorless thing that screams yet nothing comes out. it hurts so much. i want my lost haven back. i want someone to create a haven for me. no friends just you and me and solitude. but no never. i shall only have fleeting glimpses of heaven. but at least it was beautiful.
Filed under: carefree
i am running away unavailable uncontactable uncaring unruly running running away to enjoy the sweet smell of anonymity and then awakening to the rude slap of reality. hiatus hiatus hiatus this is my getaway from the uncouth ways of the world and the way it wakes me up every bloody morning. i love the smell of the sea of candor……………………………………………………..
it is not that i churn out strings of words in a thoughtless manner no but the weight of them they get progressively heavier and heavier bogging me down and fettering carefree me and my ankles start to hurt and soon i keel over in my head falling backwards into this endless spiral of words that i fear and shun saying yet they smother and twist the strings of words around claustrophobic me choking and suffocating choking and suffocating. i die a mental death over and over and over from what my brain churns out. i know i throw heavy weights at you with words did i not say the pen is mightier than the sword but you ought to take them lying down. men are men because they are strong and they take heavy weights and i subscribe to the traditional notion of a man but not the traditional notion of a woman. it is how we fundamentally differ because i would date a woman if i wanted someone infinitesimally female i would go back to my old ways and dabble with my darker side over and over. this is exactly why i say i have no heart. people like you rip bits out of me until i have nary an ounce of it left. my heart! my heart! what heart! i have no heart! othello kids does this phrase sound familiar.
i am a hollow shell a replica of someone else despite the oscar wilde quote on the banner i can never see it i am oblivious to everything except how ugly every damned thing is. occasionally beauty peeks through the thick hide of gross abomination as dark as the human soul. it is curious how the soul is often portrayed as a white mist swirling out of one’s head and of the form of its shell. utter nonsense is bullshit rubbish trash tomfoolery poppycock shit. the soul is a dark blob of ink inside my sub-consciousness staining every damned thing it touches we try so damned hard to conceal the stains or stop it from staining but we will never win we were born to be goddamned hedonists we are. hedonism does not mean unabashed promiscuity. it means the unbridled doing of everything the “heart” desires. i reiterate. the bloody HEART does not exist. if i hear another “my heart is breaking into a million pieces”, i will sit on you and slap your head with a club like the men used to club the women. like i always say being heterosexual is crazy. being common does not mean being normal. ’tis strange even i cannot understand this because i pretend to be more heterosexual than i really am. insanity is insane but i am sane enough to say that insanity is unsane and henceforth i am as sane as sane is itself.
