I feel so close to you right now.
by frostypeche
I need to get this off my chest.
Given I have 2 more semesters left in Perth and one semester will be on exchange, either in Hong Kong, or even Germany or New York, depending on the strength of the euro and the USD, I thought it was prudent to move all my stuff to a friend’s place since I am always with him, and to stop paying money every week for storage.
My stuff was messily piled in cardboard boxes and I didn’t need most of it, so my friend told me packing in plastic boxes and throwing out everything I didn’t need was better for him to store, and today I donated everything except some clothes, accumulated in the past few years. It felt good to get rid of stuff that held me back; things I needed to beg him to help me move, every time a lease was up. It felt good to throw everything away, and compartmentalize the past few years in 5 boxes. Just shoes and dresses: all I need.
It dawned on me today that with all the stuff gone, I could just DHL those few boxes and leave anytime. Going on exchange will be a breeze; DHL will take care of the rest.
Throughout this whole relationship, we have been bobbing up and down, and this is probably the most peaceful period within the entire relationship. We have broken up, fought till dawn, and I have broken my fair share of things. I have cried my eyes out, contemplated stupid suicidal thoughts, even flew home crying to my father and bawling about wanting to change university because I couldn’t stand the thought of breaking up with him and bumping into him, and even being in the same country with him, if I couldn’t be with him.
This year, I have weighed all my options, and I have told him: either he moves back to Singapore with me when I graduate, or we will amount to naught. I have decided to leave Australia when I graduate: I simply cannot be happy here. If I stay and we eventually amount to nothing, I will have nothing – I would’ve missed out on the time I could’ve spend with my family and friends, and my 20s would be for nothing. My sister is 5, my father still able. He will be in finance, and moving to Singapore will have no adverse effects on his career.
What bugs me, is that he has continued to adopt his non-committal response to my resolution. One year is not too far away, and the lack of a concrete resolution about our future makes me resigned to the fact that he will always be this nonchalant when it comes to me, and I will just have to accept that I am not important enough to him. There is nothing I can do or say to push him, because this is a decision only he can make, and however unhappy I am, I will have to be mature and accept it. Even if he breaks my heart, I have to fly away and live my life.
I always dreamt about marrying and being a good mother to a brood of children, because I never had a mother while growing up, and children seemed terribly important to me. For a while, I always saw him as perfect. We don’t always get what we want, and I am prepared to graduate and for him to tell me he isn’t coming with me, and he didn’t dare to tell me all this time because he couldn’t.
When he tells me that, I will probably look for a job in Hong Kong and be single. I was telling a girlfriend, that I used to see myself marrying at 26, and now I have revised the marrying age to 28, with a heavy heart. I don’t know how I can recover from this.
When all this happens, I can’t stay in Singapore. My solution to things have always been running away. I don’t know where I can run to this time, because the ache is so ingrained inside. Maybe this time next year, when he takes me to the airport and tells me those words I already know, I will be brave and walk away, from the person I love more than he loves me. I don’t know if I can, but I have to. This will be the consequence of loving someone too much.
I came to Australia happy, and I will leave, unhappy. This myriad of feelings is what it feels to be human: raw and unadulterated. Having said all of these, I don’t regret a single thing. Perhaps this is all too soon to say, but I am prepared to leave alone. I made my bed, and now I have to sleep in it.
