if there’s one thing i hate, it must be being lied to.
good morning, world! 
inexplicably drawn to this web of deceit hedonism obsession. sometimes i can’t tell the difference because the line begins to blur and everything just descends into fucking red red red red black black black black black and i can’t fucking see shit but i just keep walking into the fucking heat and i feel all the despondence oozing out of my every pore and then sadism washes into every fucking pore and i can’t stop no i can’t fucking stop because every fly’s eye has you on their mind, him on her mind, me on his mind, you on my mind, do you get me. i would lie to have you, but really, what the fuck do i mean by lie. lie lie lie i would lie for this i would lie for that. when you think about what the word lie really means, maybe i’m not such a nice person after all. every conscience is like a white cloth. over all the fucking untruths and unsavory sublime things we do, at the end of our fucking insignificant lives, we all die with a black cloth. so really, what IS the point of it all. don’t you feel like takahashi in a murakami book. with tentacles dragging us down deeper and deeper into the sea of black ink.
i think i’m okay now.
Come
as you are
as you were
as I want you to be
as a friend
as a friend
as an old enemy
take your time
hurry up
the choice is your
don’t be late
take a rest
as a friend
as an old memoria
memoria
memoria
memoria
come
dowsed in mud
soaked in bleach
as I want you to be
as a trend
as a friend
as an old memoria
memoria
memoria
memoria
and I swear
that I don’t have a gun
no I don’t have a gun
no I don’t have a gun
memoria
memoria
memoria {don’t have a gun}
and I swear
that I don’t have a gun
no I don’t have a gun
no I don’t have a gun
no I don’t have a gun
memoria
memoria
my all-time favorite song. *strums air guitar*
he⋅don⋅ism
/ˈhidnˌɪzəm/ [heed-n-iz-uhm] –noun
1. the doctrine that pleasure or happiness is the highest good.
2. devotion to pleasure as a way of life: The later Roman emperors were notorious for their hedonism.
it does not matter that i am not conventionally beautiful nor does it matter that i am unconventionally sexually inclined nor that i am unconventionally academically unsmart but what really matters is really inside as cliched as it gets but no i am for real and no amount of coddling or swaying will i slowdance to the other realm nor do a moonwalk(not that i can) to the line between the two realms.
i am me and will always be, until the very day i cease to be this living, breathing, ten-kilograms-overweight-shell away from anorexic perfection. this life will be my solace, my mask, my living and breathing portrait.
Filed under: deceitful
i’ll tell you a secret i will, in absolute confidence on the World Wide Web, just like my usual Modus Operandi where i never lie but i leave out pieces of crucial Information. on the day where mothers all over the world are celebrated and cherished i did something bad bad bad very Bad. it startled my poor starving heart when you said you knew of many things and i thought she had given you my secret my Shameful secret. did my impoverished heart leap when i turned back and saw everything. yes. yes. YES! i am not at all ashamed because it was within propriety and i am a decent girl yes i am my heart is pure and i would never do what you are thinking of in your filthy mind. oh no! the horrors! of a dark heart. a dark lying cheating heart perhaps under my pure heart i actually have a Dark Lying Cheating Heart but i am not capable of devious Behavior no i am Not! i’ll fly away inside my pink heart which beats for one before one comes to know.
heart heart heart let me ask you a question did you not feel any Guilt at all. no i did not i did no i did not yes i did oh what shall i do i cannot make up my mind about whether my beat quickened or not! but i know my mistress’ eyes were lowered and ashamed and wanting and angry and annoyed.
of what you Ask? inquisitive mind, i forgive Thee. because i am at Fault. and i shall treat this as my confession and i shall be Enlightened and one will not be angry.
lovelove.
