free will is a ridiculously simple concept to understand, yet factor in relationships and you get the concept warped beyond recognition in one psycho party’s fettered psyche.
it occurred to me, that one cannot force anyone to believe in something they do not want to believe in. one can strong-arm someone to acquiesce, albeit halfheartedly of a chore of their choice, but a belief is a fire within, chosen only by the metaphorical heart, and stuck there, weathering the storms and change.
yes, free will is indeed an easy concept to comprehend, but do you apply it correctly in direct correlation to relationships? in the absence of its application, a power struggle ensues, and a relationship without free will, is doomed to fail.
i think i paid a very dear price for this lesson, so friends, i hope you learn well.
ever sat on a night flight by the wing?
the inner window has minuscule ice crystals inside, and looking out, the midnight blue looks endless, speckled with glittering stars. between the heavens and earth, suddenly neither seems to register and the wing seems to resemble a diving board. dive dive dive into the midnight darkness and all your troubles are left on the plane, left to touchdown in an airport on earth somewhere, tottering monotonously on a conveyor belt, waiting to be unleashed on another unsuspecting dolt. place your hot palm on the cool window and it leaves a palmprint.
that’s the closest you’re ever going to be near Peace.
i think this explains my penchant for night flights.
i really wish you knew the reason i’m not going to screw up this year is because of you. i wish you knew how much you meant. despite everything i say, i can’t bloody wait to go back in june, right into your waiting arms. i know the wait is hard, and i know you love me.
like i said, the days will crawl, and the years will fly.
i want you to be proud of me. not just love me.
iloveyou. i don’t say it often because i don’t want it come and go easily.
okay. anybody want to be my study buddy? crunchtime is coming. i need to finish assignments and write essays, essays, essays, and yes, ESSAYS.
geez.
i’ve sucked less than ten happy white sticks this year.
a year ago, i sucked at least twenty happy white sticks a day.
i think it’s safe to say i won’t suck a single happy white stick this year again, since i spent a tidy sum laserbrite-ing my teeth. 
and i think to be two kilograms lighter this year is not an unreasonable goal.
oh, wouldn’t you nosy pricks love to look at this year’s wishlist and list-of-goals scrawled untidily in my muji notebook.
imischmyCveryverymuch. i just want to lie on your chest and play with the scar. 
Filed under: complaints, confessions, disgust, explanatory, joy!, love, warped
i could run away from knowing everything and something and some things but secretly i think everything i do is a self-destructive attempt not to love and be loved. i am so afraid of falling into my huge pit of self-doubt and men, men, men! two-faced basilisks i fear no heights no insects no rodents just your venom. with no knowledge nada nobody really knows a snake is venomous till it bares its fangs and sinks them into your thigh femural arteries so sexy hannibal lecter knife sex blood sex blood driving me insane venom men snakes love, love snakes, love, snakes, men, sex, blood, venom. trust faith trust faith blind jump pit black pitch-black fear innocuous. love, sex, hotel, sex, love, hotel, love hotel, love hotels.
i’m not making sense nobody does who decides whats sensible and whats not and i could rant and write and rave and scream but can you hear my insides yelling behind the screen of this black macbook can you can you can you can you can you.
my every cell protests against this irrational feeling emotion whatchamacallit and yes it is unnatural beyond reason beyond comprehension what IS reason what IS comprehension nobody really knows nobody knows if im making sense nobody knows what is sense someone define everything in a handbook and mass-publish it and burn all the nonsensical philosophy books i don’t read and don’t have the brain cells to even try.
after so much gibberish, i just wanted to say.
i love you too.
and i know i shouldn’t.
but nonetheless,
iloveyou.
he⋅don⋅ism
/ˈhidnˌɪzəm/ [heed-n-iz-uhm] –noun
1. the doctrine that pleasure or happiness is the highest good.
2. devotion to pleasure as a way of life: The later Roman emperors were notorious for their hedonism.
it does not matter that i am not conventionally beautiful nor does it matter that i am unconventionally sexually inclined nor that i am unconventionally academically unsmart but what really matters is really inside as cliched as it gets but no i am for real and no amount of coddling or swaying will i slowdance to the other realm nor do a moonwalk(not that i can) to the line between the two realms.
i am me and will always be, until the very day i cease to be this living, breathing, ten-kilograms-overweight-shell away from anorexic perfection. this life will be my solace, my mask, my living and breathing portrait.
