i was messing around the net and i saw a group on facebook in remembrance of my lit teacher in JC.
something struck me hard and i couldn’t help but shed a tear.
gone so young, miss G. i’ll always remember you, coming to school with your walking stick and you coming to class to teach us, rain or shine, cancer or not. you made class lively with all the poems and your wise words. i’ll always remember you accepted homework that was due two months ago and i remember your kind words about the poem i wrote on the back of my (failed)exam paper.
God bless you, miss G. we’ll miss you. you were the bravest, strongest fighter there ever was.
a year ago i was beautiful on
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love
i was so high i couldn’t see how painful it would be to fall from this pedestal no no not at all. now that i’ve been pushed from the pedestal all i have are broken limbs and bones. it does not matter how broken everything is but the heart and spirit no longer exist. rub the
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seed of satan into my skin
after vigorous copulation with the devil, yes the dull ache can you feel it
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throbbing throbbing throbbing
away down south like a purple bruise deep inside. clad in all our sins i am me, and will always be, till the day i die, just like beautiful emily says it. if i had stuck to my guns i wouldn’t have ended up
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shooting myself
in the foot and thighs and heart and soul and us.
the perfect halo of love escapes me. and today someone asked me
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if i was a faithful person
. i didn’t quite know how to answer that question. i have no faith in me yet i am faithful. faith is not transferable; once gone forever gone poof woof toof! i am gone with the wind
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irrevocably yours
yet not quite yours was i ever yours i don’t know.
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what IS faith
i want to know
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how does faith feel in my hands
is it silky is it soft is it hard is it steely is it intangible is it how i feel right now.
i am a forgettable piano piece
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played
by a forgettable pianist in the background of a crowded hotel bar that nobody but the loneliest notice whilst the rest chatter about forgettable things and forget my presence and very being
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i am invisible
and when i end nobody notices but my
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player
with his tired fingers pining for somebody who scorns him for his low wages and unstable occupation.
you’re like a drug, bad for me, yet i keep hanging on to the last vestiges of the last good moment where it coursed through my veins and made my head soar to high heavens. every time i say i’ll go and leave, i keep running back and i don’t know why. it is that very je ne sais quoi about you i can’t put my finger on that draws me back in a trance every bloody time.
home is in your warm embrace where i find comfort and peace. i wish we’d stop fighting for once.
i just want to count the beautiful specks on your neck and inhale in that warm, familiar scent.
i think we’re past that stage already anyway. new life, chug on.
sigh.
i’m so miserable here i just want to fly back home asap and party and drink my sorrows away……………………..
life sucks(said with as much angst as a 15year old).
it hurt more than i thought it would. be still beating heart, be still. time will heal you. sleepless at seven with the mind running amok in fields of black wheat and being chased by three ghosts in lipstick and rouge. listening to the lesbian drama anthem on repeat and on repeat and the lyrics flash in my head…………………………………..
sigh. so disjointed.
paying penance for my sins.
and because this is how i feel.
this is the moment of truth.
drive me back into mindless unreality mindless talk mindless actions mindless poker mindless drinking. i want to walk down the road again feeling like a bona fide hiatus on a cool wintry day with the sun setting on the sunset coast in brilliant hues of increasingly darkening shades of orange blue crimson and what looks like the edge of the earth. this existence is miserable and dolorous and i can no longer take this bullshit. once you’ve been away and feeling like you left every damned thing behind you never want to come back ever again and when you do, it feels like utter bullshit; this sham of a life called the reality of being nothing and being someone’s nothing and being shamefully faceless voiceless nameless colorless thing that screams yet nothing comes out. it hurts so much. i want my lost haven back. i want someone to create a haven for me. no friends just you and me and solitude. but no never. i shall only have fleeting glimpses of heaven. but at least it was beautiful.
it is not that i churn out strings of words in a thoughtless manner no but the weight of them they get progressively heavier and heavier bogging me down and fettering carefree me and my ankles start to hurt and soon i keel over in my head falling backwards into this endless spiral of words that i fear and shun saying yet they smother and twist the strings of words around claustrophobic me choking and suffocating choking and suffocating. i die a mental death over and over and over from what my brain churns out. i know i throw heavy weights at you with words did i not say the pen is mightier than the sword but you ought to take them lying down. men are men because they are strong and they take heavy weights and i subscribe to the traditional notion of a man but not the traditional notion of a woman. it is how we fundamentally differ because i would date a woman if i wanted someone infinitesimally female i would go back to my old ways and dabble with my darker side over and over. this is exactly why i say i have no heart. people like you rip bits out of me until i have nary an ounce of it left. my heart! my heart! what heart! i have no heart! othello kids does this phrase sound familiar.
i always say that my heart does not exist. it does not i wasn’t lying. i never lie but i omit scraps of information out. the ice that surrounded what was left of it has now frozen the entire fucking thing can you believe it. disappointment takes over and rage no longer exists. i believe the hokkien term for it is gek sim but i cannot say anything because i have no mouth only time will tell of my ineffable(current) state of mind. i am not stable. etched inside like a tattoo this is deception at its ultimate best. this is all my fault for being stupid. stupid is cretinous brainless unintelligent vacuous obtuse senseless doltish i am all of the above. forgive my foolish young mind.
troubled young mind and the tendency to go wayward all a recipe for disaster. is it not obvious that the mind goes on a rampage only in ataxic circumstances. in tottering times i run and run and run and run this is normal behavior. everyone has their own way of doing things. this disjoint way of prose is my way and it is the wavering way which everything ebbs out of me slowly.
slowly slowly slowly i will curl up and roll away.
Filed under: heartache
it’s amazing how i listen to the same songs all over again. everyone brings something from the past into the present. and yes, glass to the arson, the undeveloped story, and so sick are all my favorite songs when the same shit happens all over and over again.
i’m just waiting for the bomb to drop.
go on. i’ll always be here till you walk away.
in a house i don’t belong to. trying to feel my fuckjing way out but it’s complete darkness, just like when you shut off the lights in an underground house in coober pedy.
feeling my way around and getting knocked here and there; it’s a rough floor and there are glass shards in my feet. i must get out of this house so i keep on walking around blindly, hoping to find a doorknob to twist open.
it’s been days with no light and water. desperation kicks in and kick the walls in frustration. no windows, no doors. no concept of night and day, no sound, not even a rat.
this emotional penitentiary sucks.
and my only ray of light is flying away, away, and away.
frozen days and legs stiff, i feel my pit grow darker and darker. that faint glimmer of light i thought i could see is now a figment of my imagination. oh figment! don’t run away from me, i will only eat you for dinner. speck of light in my mind’s eye. can you see my mind’s eye squinting.
i lie in my pit feeling the blood drain out of me slowly. no holes, no blood. just sheer lifeforce ebbing out of me…….
slowly, slowly, the darkness is a-coming for me. envelope me. i will embrace the music.
