i think i’ll be flying very damned soon. everything feels so surreal now. who knew irony would play such a joke on me/us.
i don’t want to go no i don’t want i want to run run run my life away and be free. no more silly ideas in my head i know the school fees cost daddy a small bomb and the exchange rates will give us all a heart attack but it’s so painful to leave yes all my friends and my precious and very fat bundle of joy.
no more comforting smell hailey at the end of a long day. no more kissing her fat cheeks boyfriend you better gain weight in your cheeks and belly. i don’t want to spend winter there. i don’t want to shiver in the night with my poor replica of my tattered quilt to make me feel like home and the pillows that will make me a foreigner to myself. always was faithful but sometimes i stray.
been dreaming of being on an escalator then letting go and tumbling back down and then i wake up in a jolt. my left hand is outstretched i feel like harry potter and i do have a scar you know. who is my voldemort i wonder.
i haven’t even left and it hurts already. hailey’s making it all the more harder. no more waking up and having her run and play peek-a-boo with me. no more hugs. no more kisses…………………………………….
i envy the innocence of childhood.
i brought hailey down to feed the fish in the water feature downstairs, and it really is heartwarming to see a child fling pieces of bread into the water and see her smile at the fish fighting for bread.
her face lights up with laughter and her hands come to me outstretched for more bread. it brings a smile to my face, even if i express annoyance when she puts her hands into the water to try and move the bread that the fish fail to see(and eat). i miss the days where i used to do that too.
being an older sister makes me panic when she does that, and i screech warnings of WATER PARASITES and DIRTY at her, even if she doesn’t understand a word of what i say and continues to to splash water at me.
of course, i make a mental note to tell the maid to give her a thorough washing of her hands with anti-bacterial soap……………………..
i long for a hailey of my own too.
(with two dimples and my nose and eyes)
