feeling 3000

as i listened to my mood and played 3000, it struck me how i forgot that i wasn’t supposed to associate my favorite song with any person, but a mood, a feeling, i felt, at the very moments i was happy and content.

i don’t know if i’d kick myself in x future, but i guess i followed my highs and lows, as usual.

today he asked me who would be my one free pass, and i realized i didn’t have any. i guess this is the best part about having few inhibitions. what seems crazy and illogical at that very moment in time, is what feels right for me. no regrets, no, really.

i don’t know how long this will last, if it will last, but it feels right, now. sometimes i think i am a part-time enfp.

balance sheet

my bank account is shrivelled from neglect this year. my spending habits remain as outrageous as last year, yet my income has halved. i have launched myself into an unsustainable situation. i used to check my bank account daily and now i check it once a month.

i woke today looking at the VIX and realized what i’ve waited for so long is finally coming.

my spending needs an overhaul, and from now:
1. ban on all clothing buys
2. no more taxi rides

it will be painful, but i will thank myself in future.

to articulate the intangibles

what i feel is a unique sort of relationship-Weltschmerz on my end. i am still in shock, that i might never be enough for the demands of that very special mind. i have never felt this woefully inadequate.

in the grand scheme of things, i wish there was a checklist of the things that really matter.

word/whirred association for the week/weak:

feelings
pie
cherry
garden
pebbles
house
home
marble
orchid
tinkle

bones
blood
sweat
tears
salt
sugar
ikea
lightbulb
mirrors
reflection
self

as a half-joke, perhaps beautiful.

distress|destress

to be uncomfortably self-aware, to be aware of acting out, yet have safe limits on oneself and yet execute slightly irrational actions. it is very interesting and illogical to be human. one self looks at the other in bemusement, that it recognizes all the behavior and its signs, yet proceeds as if it did not. is there self-control exhibited, or nay.

is self aware, or not aware? who knows.

if acting out is a self-unaware(?) mechanism to regulate emotion, does this mean we are meant to regulate our emotions and highs and lows should always be in balance? why then.

for record-keeping purposes, i have a tragus piercing as of today. i went back to the shop i did all the BM as a teenager. i felt awkwardly out of place because i now wear pastels and heels, when i used to feel at home there in black jeans and a tank top.

goodbye septum, belly button, and tongue. i am now a stranger with much less youth on her face. i will miss wrecking my teeth with a titanium barbell.

sign-work in progress-sign

only god knows what will come of it.

1. how do two people learn to talk to each other? can we get a manual for that please?

2. i was asked why efficiency was so important and i never answered, because even heartfelt words sound like a joke sometimes.

would it not be great to have more time to hold hands and kiss?